My entire life, I had this idea in my head that after getting a degree and making my parents proud, life would just be uphill from there on out. It’s been about four months after walking the stage, and I’ve been feeling pretty confused. However, I’ve been reflecting a lot and I wanted to write my thoughts out. Despite how rambly this might be, it might help someone in my situation not feel alone. And it’s good for me to write down my emotions and thought processes so I can look back and see how much I’ve changed. I’ve wanted to become more personal with my blog, so it felt only right to post this.
As I write this, I’m snacking on mini M&M’s in a bath robe, and I have been scrolling through so many job postings, my eyes are starting to burn. I think back to how I felt graduating and walking that stage, and I compare it to how I feel now. Confused, hopeless, honestly a little bit scared. Now I’m not going to discredit all the hard work I put into graduating because I worked my ass off and finished on such a high note! But a bish is going through some post grad blues right now. Reading through the endless lists of qualifications that I don’t meet has me bummed out. I’m not asking for sympathy, because I know that a big reason why I feel the way I do is because I didn’t take advantage of opportunities. At the same time, I was doing things I didn’t want to do to please others, at the expense of my happiness. But I digress (LOL). I realized this is not what I want to be doing. Like am I stupid for thinking that there has to be more to life than working a 9 – 5, coming home, then doing it all over again for the rest of my life? Why can’t I find a job that I love and am passionate about? Why don’t I know what I’m passionate about???
In an ideal world, I want to wake up every day and know that I’m fulfilling my purpose in life. I want to help people, I want to connect with others and I want to be happy and feel limitless. I want to come home exhausted from a job that doesn’t feel like work. An ideal world doesn’t exist, but who’s to say that I can’t create one for myself? And I want to do it without fear. How many times have you heard people who are older than you say they wish they could go back and do more with their life? Like, no one ever really regrets the things they do. They look back and wish they did more, pursued more, became more! So much of my life thus far has been ruled by fear, and I don’t want to end up like the people who wish they could go back in time and do what they wanted to do, regardless of how crazy it seemed at the time. Fear has kind of ruined my life, but I’ve allowed it to. At least I’m aware of it now.
And it’s not even about a career either. I want to become the type of person that my younger cousins can look up to and admire because I wasn’t afraid to take risks. I want to be someone that radiates so much positive energy that it’s contagious, even to people I don’t know.
Your brain is your most powerful weapon, but it can also be your downfall. It’s time to get focussed, speak your plans into existence and go out and do it! The two main things that have really helped me thus far have been:
- Making goal lists: CJ and I made one for a bunch of time periods in our life, and wrote down as many as we could. I found that this really helped me see what I really wanted in life, because a lot of my goals repeated over the years. Doing this helped me envision an imaginary endpoint and helped me sharpen my focus on where I want to be, and how I could get there. And it’s up to me to do whatever I can to reach these goals. I also liked doing this because CJ and I talked about our goals together and how we could help each other achieve them. I think it’s nice knowing someone is on your side, and since we know about each other’s goals, we can help keep each other accountable
- We made goals for tomorrow, next week, one month from now, six months from now, a year from now, five years from now and ten years from now, but you obviously dont have to do that many. Set a timer for a minute, and just write whatever comes to mind first!
- Reframing my mindset: I try to see everything as an opportunity, rather than an obstacle. When I dread going to work, I just tell myself that more hours mean more money and more learning opportunities – something I didn’t necessarily have when I was starting out. When I dread exercising, I just keep telling myself that I’m one step closer to achieving my dream body, and by making changes to be healthy now, I will be able to live a long, healthy life and be able to keep up with my future children and be there for them. Rather than letting myself stay in a state of anxiety and stress when I think about my future, I let myself feel those emotions, and then realize that nothing good comes without struggle.
- This is not to say that the underlying message is “Stay positive!!” because let’s be real, life sucks sometimes. I think this only works when you can accept that life is not perfect and you will never be perfect. Some things are going to suck. And you’re going to hate doing them or going through them but failure is a part of life and you need to accept that in order to be successful.
If you made it this far, then wow. I hope this made sense in one way or another. I feel like a bunch of people are going to read this and roll their eyes, and that’s fine. Like, I get it. Re-reading over some of this has me sounding like an entitled crybaby. Maybe I am… But I just ask that you have a little compassion and realize that the route you are taking to navigate life is not the one I, personally, can or want to take. I might fail. But I might not. And I’ve made leaps and bounds from where I was 5 years ago, and that’s something I want to celebrate because it means that I’m changing and I have the potential to find what out what I want in life. I think I’ve come to the realization that the only way to get out of this “funk” I’m in, is to do everything the opposite of how I’ve been doing it. It makes me uncomfortable, but I’m also feeling confident. To me, that means I have nowhere else to go, but closer to the person I want to become.
To end off, here’s an uncomfortably close up photo of my face. Kinda awkward, but I’m feeling myself and my eyes say “You got this bish!!!”. Nothing worth having comes easy. I know myself, so I know I’ll figure it all out and find my way eventually. Until then, you’re all invited to accompany me along my journey! If you have any tips, or comments you would like to share, please feel free to reach out in the comments 🙂